More hopelessness
I am putting up a very cool front - some chinks are visible, I'll give you that! The show, however is going on. But I cannot pretend while blogging. This is supposed to be my outlet for all those nagging doubts, insecurities, guilt, regret, shame and all things that I keep a leash on lest they surface and ruin the facade.
So honestly, this is how I feel:
I am so restless, I could jump up and down just to make myself feel like I have some control and something is moving. Sigh. I cannot imagine how I can go from feeling 'Its all in my reach' to 'Nothing seems possible'....no, actually I can. I am so confused right now, it reminds me of 2004. *Shudder*
Everything falls short of the best by the narrowest margin ever. You cannot imagine how frustrating it is to watch someone else make it. I can never be jealous. I dont even want to be anyone else! But for once, I want to feel supremely proud of myself. Feel like 'I' did it. 'I' made it. Feel like after 20 odd years on this planet, I am surer of myself and that I have indeed 'arrived'.
What do I need right now?
1) A job that makes me want to wake up and rush to it.
2) A job that makes me proud because I know I am making a difference.
3) A job that pays really well. (Yes, money is third on my list but it is important).
4) A break from my current surroundings - at least for 2 days. 2 days of silence, sunshine, breeze and quietude.
5) Eagles
What I do NOT need:
1) People asking me if I got calls from the B school I applied to and wondering why I didnt make it.
2) People telling me how underpaid I am and how I should switch my job.
3) Noise.
4) Other people's problems and their depression (Hey, don't I *always* give you a shoulder? Right now, I need it for myself.)
5) 'Life is beautiful', 'You're beautiful', 'I am beautiful' songs or the likes of it.
Ah well. In spite of all the cynicism and frustration, I know that somehow, things are just round the corner and waiting to happen.....or waiting for me to happen to them.
But the wait, seems awfully long.
So honestly, this is how I feel:
I am so restless, I could jump up and down just to make myself feel like I have some control and something is moving. Sigh. I cannot imagine how I can go from feeling 'Its all in my reach' to 'Nothing seems possible'....no, actually I can. I am so confused right now, it reminds me of 2004. *Shudder*
Everything falls short of the best by the narrowest margin ever. You cannot imagine how frustrating it is to watch someone else make it. I can never be jealous. I dont even want to be anyone else! But for once, I want to feel supremely proud of myself. Feel like 'I' did it. 'I' made it. Feel like after 20 odd years on this planet, I am surer of myself and that I have indeed 'arrived'.
What do I need right now?
1) A job that makes me want to wake up and rush to it.
2) A job that makes me proud because I know I am making a difference.
3) A job that pays really well. (Yes, money is third on my list but it is important).
4) A break from my current surroundings - at least for 2 days. 2 days of silence, sunshine, breeze and quietude.
5) Eagles
What I do NOT need:
1) People asking me if I got calls from the B school I applied to and wondering why I didnt make it.
2) People telling me how underpaid I am and how I should switch my job.
3) Noise.
4) Other people's problems and their depression (Hey, don't I *always* give you a shoulder? Right now, I need it for myself.)
5) 'Life is beautiful', 'You're beautiful', 'I am beautiful' songs or the likes of it.
Ah well. In spite of all the cynicism and frustration, I know that somehow, things are just round the corner and waiting to happen.....or waiting for me to happen to them.
But the wait, seems awfully long.
posted by Dangerously Detached at 11:47 PM
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