Undisturbed memories

Home isn't what it used to be, you know. Everyone is trying real hard to hold on to something that doesn't exist anymore. Because it is harder still to deal with what is.

I don't have answers to all the whys and the hows....maybe I do... to some extent. I know I am responsible but I don't know how different things would have been even if I'd chosen silence over words. I know it would have destroyed me! I know what I did was probably selfish. But then the parties directly and indirectly involved deserved to know. I am not trying to absolve myself of the small but heavy guilt I know will stay with me forever but it has to be said that it was an extremely tough call to make.

That aside, I sense a huge chasm every time I come home - between what I fervently hope will have been restored and what welcomes me when I am actually here. You know what? If we could all accept that paradise has, in fact, been lost and cannot be regained and just deal with what we have now, it would be easier to live and laugh. Now, laughter sounds hollow and happiness seems evanescent.

I feel a twinge of sadness each time. A pang more like. It makes me wonder if what I'd thought was "perfect" all along was even there! That's the pity about the present. It has the ability to cast shadows of doubt on not just the future but also on the past.

I'll admit I don't quite know what to do or how to deal with this change. I sometimes don't know what to say or what topic to initiate conversation on. And if I choose to lie low, I feel disconcerted with the silence. Sigh.

Maybe I should just let things take their own course. And people too. We all have our own ways of dealing with things and I must not impose my expectations on everyone else.

Maybe I should let go..... of the past....of the idea of a "perfect" anything......of unrealistic expectations from people.....of selfish motives that make me want my memories to stay the way they were - untouched, undisturbed, untarnished.