Empty Nothings

Should be dated: July 9th 2008

Empty. And disconcerted. But not desolate anymore. That’s how I feel. Why I feel this way, I do not know.

I have work. I am learning. I am working. I feel I could do more and do better. But I don’t know how or what…

I miss home. But the feeling of desolation and absolute isolation is slowly fading away. What it is being replaced by is something I find hard to describe. It is a void. Nothingness. And it’s filling up the space. The whole space. Slowly but steadily.

I’m more in touch with friends than before. Friends from business school that is. And I’m happy that that’s happening. But after a seemingly wonderful conversation is over, I’m left with the void again.

I wonder if I constantly need something to talk about. Something to look forward to. Something to show-off. Something to be proud of. Do I constantly want to be better at more and more things? Even things that I don’t like, don’t enjoy, have trouble following and loathe doing?

What happened to things I like doing? Have I ever thought consciously I like doing?

Sure, people form the bane and boon of my existence. But ‘people’ I know, are not here. So, what about my existence? If it has to still be meaningful to me, it has to have moments spent doing something I like. And something I don’t feel a pressing need to talk to anyone else about. That would be mine. My thing to do, mine to hold close to my heart and mine to revel in. No craving for spotlight from the outside world, no wishing people could see and acknowledge ‘how great I am’ at the shallowest level and ‘what a difference I make’ at a less shallower level.

On a different tangent, why I can’t I just be? Why do I feel a need to do anything? Why I can’t I revel in just the joy of being? Why don’t I see/feel this joy of being? Why do I think so much??

Ok, so I have to stop myself from thing by actually doing. I can think of one thing. Writing. Maybe if I keep writing out feelings I will see how many of them actually warrant action and how many are just plain silly. I will also, maybe, move on to writing something creative…..and interesting. Who knows, I could one day have a collection of stories! Now, there’s a happy thought. :-)