"Marriage makes you face who you really are"
Should be dated: 12th August 2008
I heard this line in some sitcom called Falcon Beach which I hadn’t seen before and am sure will not see later either. But this line has stuck with me. I have issues with facing a side of me that is more human and therefore more prone to error than the other. It is very pronounced now that I know I have a husband who will, sooner or later, see through me.
For every single thing I am not proud of, I think I should be like someone else. What I fail to see is that it’s ok to be who I am. No, I don’t need to be my mum because super-accomplished as she may be, she’s not perfect. And she’s made loads of mistakes in her life, misjudged people and situations, made her compromises and sacrifices and well…those were her choices.
And no, I don’t need to be like A because we are just 2 different individuals with different value systems and grew up in very different milieu. More importantly, as grown-ups, we have built into ourselves some distinct ideas about life, love, work, friendship, fun and troubles. And we have our unique ways of dealing with things. So that’s that. There is no need to look for convergence of thoughts or feelings or ideas because it need not exist. And if ideas would always converge, life would be mundane.
I have been suffering with some anxiety that doesn’t seem to let go. And I know what it is. At least I think I know what it is. It is someone discovering that I am not as nice/sweet/accomplished as I seem to be. That I am jealous, that I am vain, that I am egoistic, that I do not always spontaneously wish well for others, that I am insecure, that I crave for attention and get mad when I don’t get it from people that matter, that I need a constant supply of love to reassure me of my worth and goodness. Phew, that’s a long list.
But on a second read (since I re-read almost everything I type). It does not make me seem that bad. It only makes me seem more human some how.
Grrr now only if this anxiety would leave me!
I heard this line in some sitcom called Falcon Beach which I hadn’t seen before and am sure will not see later either. But this line has stuck with me. I have issues with facing a side of me that is more human and therefore more prone to error than the other. It is very pronounced now that I know I have a husband who will, sooner or later, see through me.
For every single thing I am not proud of, I think I should be like someone else. What I fail to see is that it’s ok to be who I am. No, I don’t need to be my mum because super-accomplished as she may be, she’s not perfect. And she’s made loads of mistakes in her life, misjudged people and situations, made her compromises and sacrifices and well…those were her choices.
And no, I don’t need to be like A because we are just 2 different individuals with different value systems and grew up in very different milieu. More importantly, as grown-ups, we have built into ourselves some distinct ideas about life, love, work, friendship, fun and troubles. And we have our unique ways of dealing with things. So that’s that. There is no need to look for convergence of thoughts or feelings or ideas because it need not exist. And if ideas would always converge, life would be mundane.
I have been suffering with some anxiety that doesn’t seem to let go. And I know what it is. At least I think I know what it is. It is someone discovering that I am not as nice/sweet/accomplished as I seem to be. That I am jealous, that I am vain, that I am egoistic, that I do not always spontaneously wish well for others, that I am insecure, that I crave for attention and get mad when I don’t get it from people that matter, that I need a constant supply of love to reassure me of my worth and goodness. Phew, that’s a long list.
But on a second read (since I re-read almost everything I type). It does not make me seem that bad. It only makes me seem more human some how.
Grrr now only if this anxiety would leave me!
posted by Dangerously Detached at 11:47 PM
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