More hopelessness

I am putting up a very cool front - some chinks are visible, I'll give you that! The show, however is going on. But I cannot pretend while blogging. This is supposed to be my outlet for all those nagging doubts, insecurities, guilt, regret, shame and all things that I keep a leash on lest they surface and ruin the facade.

So honestly, this is how I feel:
I am so restless, I could jump up and down just to make myself feel like I have some control and something is moving. Sigh. I cannot imagine how I can go from feeling 'Its all in my reach' to 'Nothing seems possible'....no, actually I can. I am so confused right now, it reminds me of 2004. *Shudder*

Everything falls short of the best by the narrowest margin ever. You cannot imagine how frustrating it is to watch someone else make it. I can never be jealous. I dont even want to be anyone else! But for once, I want to feel supremely proud of myself. Feel like 'I' did it. 'I' made it. Feel like after 20 odd years on this planet, I am surer of myself and that I have indeed 'arrived'.

What do I need right now?
1) A job that makes me want to wake up and rush to it.
2) A job that makes me proud because I know I am making a difference.
3) A job that pays really well. (Yes, money is third on my list but it is important).
4) A break from my current surroundings - at least for 2 days. 2 days of silence, sunshine, breeze and quietude.
5) Eagles

What I do NOT need:
1) People asking me if I got calls from the B school I applied to and wondering why I didnt make it.
2) People telling me how underpaid I am and how I should switch my job.
3) Noise.
4) Other people's problems and their depression (Hey, don't I *always* give you a shoulder? Right now, I need it for myself.)
5) 'Life is beautiful', 'You're beautiful', 'I am beautiful' songs or the likes of it.

Ah well. In spite of all the cynicism and frustration, I know that somehow, things are just round the corner and waiting to happen.....or waiting for me to happen to them.

But the wait, seems awfully long.

So much for detachment

Sometimes, it all falls apart. And so do I. Every single thing that I plan for either doesnt happen at all or happens but not when I want it to.

Ever seen one of those glass souveniers - the spheres with miniature cities in them? I don't know what they are called.... They have some suspended sliver particles and water (or something like it) in them. And when you shake the sphere, the silver just dances making it look pretty.

I feel like I live in one of those glass bubbles. I go about my routine, planning my next step and doing the groundwork for that. And suddenly the bubble shakes and all the particles are displaced. By the time the same silver dust comes my way, something else has changed.

Gah! I know what I am trying to say sounds hopelessly abstract but it is the closest to what I feel right now.

And why why why don't all the balls in the air obey me!? Sometimes I feel they are bewitched and think for themselves. *Scowl* Why can't I have it all at the same time? Why is at least one piece always missing?

This is exactly why it pays to be detached. Except it is hard to do so when the stakes are high.

Dangerously detached - first post

I tried blogging without being anonymous and realized I didn't like being observed, being peeled to reveal layers that I like to keep to myself because they are precious to me. I don't like being judged by people I know! Strangely, I have no qualms being judged by strangers :-)

So here I am. Pondering about how Pie in the Sky is a perfect name for a blog - it means utopia and also an empty promise :-) Could a contradiction be better expressed!?

Here's to anonymity!