What am I missing out on? Really.

Should be dated: 17th July 2008

Just got an email that all employees get a 50% off on Espirit merchandize. I am nowhere close to an Espirit Store. While the mild irritation has surfaced, it has once again brought to the forefront my constant turmoil, ‘dwand’ as they would say in Hindi. Is now the best time to work really hard and build my career in the corporate world? Or is now the time to book tickets and watch movies together? When I say it like that, I tend to trivialize it. Truth is…..it isn’t trivial at all. I always tell myself that it’s the quality of time spent that matters and not the quantity. Fact of the matter is that quantity is important too. I have always felt that A is family. Meeting him for the first time felt like I had come home. That’s not the point. He IS family now but I see him as often as I would see a boyfriend! And I am not sure I wanted that when I wanted marriage. I wanted togetherness. I still do. Strange as it may sound, I want the togetherness that makes living realistic, that leads to silly arguments, fights even and tears. But the togetherness that manages to survive all that and comes out stronger. I am 27 years old. I have achieved most things I set out to achieve when I was 25. And yet, when I look forward, I worry that my best years will have been spent trying to coordinate togetherness! And yet, a very deeply instilled sense of cynicism and distrust tells me that I should lay my bets on tangible things that can be aimed at, fought for, worked hard for, and listed as achievements. Because people, even the ones we love dearly, especially the ones we love dearly, often disappoint us the most. I could decide to go with the latter – focus on togetherness and time spent together and mind you, I will do it joyously without a sense of sacrifice, but maybe, just maybe, even then, at the hour of reckoning that may fall short.

I know life is all about choices. I know that one way or the other, I will have regrets. Which regret will I choose to live with is the question that bothers me all the time.

Where is the glass ceiling exactly?

Should be dated: 16th July 2008

So I have been working for the past 1 month in a business that has very few women – none at the managerial level. In all fairness, this is an industry type of a business, unglamorous, old-world and well, heavy. It smells, you have to be out in the Sun, travel like crazy, sweat and sit in dull looking offices. So yes, it isn’t a place a woman would look to naturally. All this is an explanation of why women wouldn’t be here. What I really want to write about is an account of my experience here as a woman who is, in fact, here. Even if for just 1 more month.

-- Cute don’t sell: It may seem like you can get a lot of work done by acting cutesy with men who haven’t seen a woman in their line of work in a long time, and sure enough you can! But you will never earn their respect. If you, on the other hand, make no allowances for yourself being young, inexperienced or/and a woman, and work hard – at least try sincerely to learn, you will earn genuine respect. And believe me, at the end of the day, that respect is what counts. I’m happy I earned it fair and square. :)

-- Tired don’t sell either: So you are too delicate to be there huh? You’ve got to learn how to hide that. These are men who understand that it isn’t easy for you to be where you are and do what you are doing but please, give them some credit. They are human too! Don’t give up at the first sight of a chair! So I stood – in the Sun, on the shop-floor, in the conference room – everywhere! Yes, I had to prove a point.

-- It isn’t easy to break into their inner circle: And especially so in a social setting. I had the privilege of attending a Senior Management party where the only women were wives of the Managers. And the men had formed small groups which I couldn’t get into unless I elbowed my way in! So I spoke o my boss, took my drink and stood gauging the situation till he took me over to the wives. Sure enough I got to talking and socializing and blah but one, I didn’t have anything to say to them and two, I had a distinct feeling that I was missing out on all the business discussions and hobnobbing with the Boss. I still need to find or develop a comfortable way of doing this.

-- You need to talk football, tennis or some other sport: I am uncomfortable with rules in sports. And this is something I feel very terrible about – inadequate sometimes. I just don’t seem to have to the knack for it! But it is a conversation starter and a great way to mingle with men! So I’ve decided to take 2 sports that I like even without knowing rules – football and tennis and learn their rules and follow their games.

-- Common room etiquettes: So we have this room that tea and accompaniments have to be consumed in. We all go in. And I have no particular place to rest my gaze on. And I can feel everyone looking at me and expecting me to talk or ask something. And it could be all my imagination but I tell you it is awkward! So I did what most mature individuals would do, I sipped my tea real fast and I bolted from there :) Again, something I need to get comfortable with.

-- You will never be your boss’s blue-eyed boy: Naturally. So you just hope that the work you do speaks for itself and the other people you work with speak appreciatively of you and that’s that. No, you cannot expect him to discuss his investments with you or his daughter and how he’s concerned about whom she’s seeing but that’s ok. As long as he knows he can count on you on the work-front and that you care but don’t intrude. And no, you cannot take your concerns about relationship and marriage to him and ask for advice! Hell, no! As long as you involve your better half (in spirit) in your discussions with the Boss, I think you are good. At least that is what I think now. If I’m wrong, I really have to think of another way to break into the Blue-eyed Boy club!

Some of you "stronger" women may disagree with some or all of what I’ve said. But whether you experience it exactly like I do or not, you will realize or have realized in small little moments that things would have been slightly different if your had more women in the league or if you were a man.

Here’s to fitting in with the boys! *Clink* :)

Empty Nothings

Should be dated: July 9th 2008

Empty. And disconcerted. But not desolate anymore. That’s how I feel. Why I feel this way, I do not know.

I have work. I am learning. I am working. I feel I could do more and do better. But I don’t know how or what…

I miss home. But the feeling of desolation and absolute isolation is slowly fading away. What it is being replaced by is something I find hard to describe. It is a void. Nothingness. And it’s filling up the space. The whole space. Slowly but steadily.

I’m more in touch with friends than before. Friends from business school that is. And I’m happy that that’s happening. But after a seemingly wonderful conversation is over, I’m left with the void again.

I wonder if I constantly need something to talk about. Something to look forward to. Something to show-off. Something to be proud of. Do I constantly want to be better at more and more things? Even things that I don’t like, don’t enjoy, have trouble following and loathe doing?

What happened to things I like doing? Have I ever thought consciously I like doing?

Sure, people form the bane and boon of my existence. But ‘people’ I know, are not here. So, what about my existence? If it has to still be meaningful to me, it has to have moments spent doing something I like. And something I don’t feel a pressing need to talk to anyone else about. That would be mine. My thing to do, mine to hold close to my heart and mine to revel in. No craving for spotlight from the outside world, no wishing people could see and acknowledge ‘how great I am’ at the shallowest level and ‘what a difference I make’ at a less shallower level.

On a different tangent, why I can’t I just be? Why do I feel a need to do anything? Why I can’t I revel in just the joy of being? Why don’t I see/feel this joy of being? Why do I think so much??

Ok, so I have to stop myself from thing by actually doing. I can think of one thing. Writing. Maybe if I keep writing out feelings I will see how many of them actually warrant action and how many are just plain silly. I will also, maybe, move on to writing something creative…..and interesting. Who knows, I could one day have a collection of stories! Now, there’s a happy thought. :-)

And I wasn’t the first one to know.

Should be dated: May 23rd 2008

So why does it bother me that I wasn’t the first to know that you got that job? Was it because I sat and waited patiently for 3 hours without AC or food while you were at the interview? Or was it because I simply want to be the Sun in your life – someone who hears about your successes first just as I hear about your worries or failures? Is it because I don’t want to lose that spot of being your best friend in spite of having become your girlfriend and now, wife? Is it because if I was in your position, I would tell you about it first? I don’t know what it is exactly. Maybe, it is all of these. But it hurts me a little to think that it didn’t occur to you that I would want to be the first one to know.

Ah well, what can one do, except try to brush it aside and move on. And write little notes about it when it springs up from the layers of memories.

Making a Promise

I know I wanted to take blogging seriously. I still want to. But somewhere along the way, I got lost in studying, preparing for placement season, preparing for marriage, setting up a new home and joining and settling into a brand new job. And dealing with a fresh set of insecurities.

I always feel like blogging but some laziness prevents me from actually getting to it! So I’ve decided to start afresh, with a renewed sense of commitment and a genuine ‘need’ to keep blogging.

Here we go now!

Note: Posts will bear the date they were penned.