Only Words...

Warning. Danger. Crumble. Pain.
Hollow. Illusion. World. Insane.

Noise. Drown. Fear. Deep.
Greed. Guilt. People. Weep.

Scream. Shout. Loud. Silence.
Need. Want. Muted. Defiance.

Red. Rage. Boil. Burn.
Apathy. Cool. Feeling. Spurn.

Patience. Tolerance. Peace. Grace.
Lost. Touch. Cruel. Race.

Sympathy. Care. Love. Grow.
Old. Tired. Past. Stow.

Run. Fast. Open. Space.
Free. Happy. Thoughtless. Pace.

Fresh. Start. Erase. Defeat.
Begin. Hope. Renew. Repeat?

© September 2008

Phew!

I am finally done posting all that I wanted to for the past 2 months. Now on, more frequent, current posts. :)

"Marriage makes you face who you really are"

Should be dated: 12th August 2008

I heard this line in some sitcom called Falcon Beach which I hadn’t seen before and am sure will not see later either. But this line has stuck with me. I have issues with facing a side of me that is more human and therefore more prone to error than the other. It is very pronounced now that I know I have a husband who will, sooner or later, see through me.

For every single thing I am not proud of, I think I should be like someone else. What I fail to see is that it’s ok to be who I am. No, I don’t need to be my mum because super-accomplished as she may be, she’s not perfect. And she’s made loads of mistakes in her life, misjudged people and situations, made her compromises and sacrifices and well…those were her choices.

And no, I don’t need to be like A because we are just 2 different individuals with different value systems and grew up in very different milieu. More importantly, as grown-ups, we have built into ourselves some distinct ideas about life, love, work, friendship, fun and troubles. And we have our unique ways of dealing with things. So that’s that. There is no need to look for convergence of thoughts or feelings or ideas because it need not exist. And if ideas would always converge, life would be mundane.

I have been suffering with some anxiety that doesn’t seem to let go. And I know what it is. At least I think I know what it is. It is someone discovering that I am not as nice/sweet/accomplished as I seem to be. That I am jealous, that I am vain, that I am egoistic, that I do not always spontaneously wish well for others, that I am insecure, that I crave for attention and get mad when I don’t get it from people that matter, that I need a constant supply of love to reassure me of my worth and goodness. Phew, that’s a long list.

But on a second read (since I re-read almost everything I type). It does not make me seem that bad. It only makes me seem more human some how.

Grrr now only if this anxiety would leave me!

A piece of memory

Should be dated: 31st July 2008

A very close friend is getting married on August 11th and I just remembered one memory that clearly stands out of all the whirl-wind-ish events leading up to marriage.

I was feeling slightly unwell about 4 - 5 days before wedding, couldn’t really sleep well at night and was almost in tears the night before the wedding. I think it was seeing a host of people at home constantly talking marriage and asking me to rest and stay cool over and over again till it created anxiety...it was also a lot of emotions, technically I had been away from home but this meant I had another family to call my own..... and then there were aunts and uncles, who had travelled long distances to just be there and mom and dad and sis pouring so much into this one event so it is special and perfect and...Oh, well, I was completely overwhelmed.

And I wondered if all that craziness really mattered...and I had also been going into panic attack about losing single-hood some hazar times as well. But after the wedding, when A and I were alone for the first time, everything seemed calm. And, it seemed just right. We forget that it is about just that moment of perfect-ness :)

I don’t think I’ve said this before, even in my head: Here’s to you, A! *Clink* :)

STOP!

Should be dated: 17th July 2008

I’ve had it. I crib so much these days that I drown in my own grief! And what for? Because I am away from civilization? Because I cannot shop or watch a movie when I will and please? Are they valid reasons for being upset? Can I not block such silly thoughts or accept that these issues will remain and move on? Why do I have to let depression reign supreme? Why should I bug my husband and my parents day in and day out? They are dealing with their set of problems are they not? Do I hear them whine about anything? They are all positive. So is it really so hard to look deep inside and find reasons to be happy?

Yes, they have the advantage of familiar landscapes and people or at least the comfort of an own home. But they are also waging daily battles. Setting goals and falling short, moving to a totally new place of work and settling in and without work at that. They also know that they have hard days ahead. They will also deal with separation with loved ones and bouts of loneliness. Point is, they are not cribbing and being a baby about it. And no, my ‘pain’ is definitely not greater than any of theirs so I cannot make it out to be that. I just need something to worry and crib about. And that’s the honest truth. So I should find a positive project, no! Something to do rather than analyze to bits!

Self-gyaan:
Quit moping, dude, before you start losing your ability to be productive and reasonable. You came quite close to it today.

Life is meant to be lived. And loved. Even in moments that you want to want to scream and rant and cry. That’s what being a professional and more importantly being grown-up is all about. You set your eyes on something and don’t let anything else get in between.

For the place you are in now, you know that it’s in your hands. If you can work so hard that they see results, they will let you out of here sooner than later. But if they don’t, have the dignity to hold yourself together and bear it out. 15 days means the 1st of Aug. You have to deal with that possibility and like I said, with dignity.

You will not shame me by crying and whining anymore. You will remedy your loneliness yourself. You will find books to read, games to play and movies to watch. You will be strong and quiet, resilient and brave, courageous and firm. You will make me proud of you.