25 years old and so much more to learn

But here's a list of 25 things I did learn! In the descending order of relevance/importance:

25) Himesh Reshmmiya cannot sing.
24) Tea-drinkers are very interesting people. Coffee-drinkers are quirky. I like both.
23) I have to work-out everyday. Those endorphin thingies really help.
22) Music (that I like), soothes in a way nothing else does.
21) Poetry is food for my soul.
20) I do not like playing games. Sports, I like.
19) If you don’t know, ask.
18) People are the boon and bane of my existence.
17) There is a very thin line between being ‘nice’ and being a ‘doormat’. People throw doormats away after they are stretched thin or stained with people-mess.
16) Being beautiful has very little to do with who you are deep inside. And being beautiful is not a luxury: it is a necessity.
15) Self-help books are boring.
14) Being alone is not the same as being lonely. And it’s a hell of a lot less noisy!
13) Reality is the grandest illusion.
12) You can only enjoy snow/winter when you are warm – inside and outside.
11) Drop excess baggage. Your journey will be so much easier.
10) You have just 5 good friends. Even if you can count 20 of them.
9) You cannot take responsibility for anyone else’s behavior. Don’t do it even if you are pushed into doing it.
8) ‘Home’ is what you carry in your heart and build around you. The real, three-dimensional ‘home’ can sometimes disappoint.
7) You can watch a movie at a movie hall all by yourself just as you can eat lunch/dinner/breakfast drink coffee/wine and enjoy the setting sun all by yourself. It is just a lot more fun sharing all this with someone you like.
6) People have been judging and will always judge you. You pass this way but once. Live it up!
5) The theory of karma exists and it is true. If you don’t get why so much unfairness is coming your way, it’s because of some cosmic confusion. It clears up eventually and then you are compensated. Richly.
4) If you truly desire something, there is no way in hell you won’t get it. But you have to work your butt off trying to keep it!
3) You are all you’ve got; no matter what anyone claims.
2) Love is actually as sublime and as f***ed up as ‘they’ say it is.
1) You do get over things. Eventually.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Cheers! :-)

Today I cry

Today I cry
For you pretend to be brave
I know you just want to save your face
The hour of reckoning,
Passes us by.

Today I cry
For your lies and deceit
You cannot possibly accept defeat
The moment of truth,
Passes us by.

Today I cry
For you begin to sway
When it is necessary that you just stay
The raging storm,
Passes us by.

Today I cry
For the cross I bear
Not mine to carry, it isn’t fair
The agonizing pain,
Passes us by.

Today I cry
For your indiscretions
Sorry I had to hear your confessions
The moment of forgiveness,
Passes us by.

Today I cry
For all meaning is lost
Embers of passion are covered with frost
In bits and pieces, just a little bit,
Today, I begin to die.

© December 2006

Let the butterfly find you

I resisted from blogging about this……but considering how much time I spend thinking about how it happened and how glad I am it did, I think it deserves a post :-)

When I was growing up, I had a rule: friends and lovers don’t cross paths. If for some reason they do, then somewhere, someone is not being completely honest. And that is tantamount to betrayal. But at the same time, I held on to the theory that in order to love a person, it was necessary to like the person and know him/her. Don’t ask me how I thought this contradiction could exist!

I made a friend 4 years back. We started off as colleagues but became real good friends. I was extremely happy with the comfort zone but I *never* thought we could be anything more.

A lot happened in the span of 4 years that helped us both grow, mature as individuals and gain perspective. We were apart (and still are) geographically and in a way, that helped personal growth minus influences.

We’ve both weathered a lot of our personal storms without ever turning to each other for comfort. I guess we were just like that…..believing that one shouldn’t make anyone else his/her emotional crutch. I think it was because we didn’t want to admit how vulnerable we were……

In the past 2 years, I’ve learnt that just believing in “love” is not akin to feeling it. That “like” sometimes is more important than “love”. That “love” brings in its spate a host of insecurities. It creates a certain imbalance. It feeds on and fuels obsession. It can be beautiful when the parties concerned understand that “love” is synonymous with letting-go. With freedom and space. But if not, it is the most destructive force – more powerful than hate.

I cannot comment on what my ‘friend’ learnt but I can sense that he’s grown up too. Mellowed down. Stopped running….

Anyway, the universe has a strange way of listening to what your subconscious whispers. I couldn’t have heard it if it was announced on a loudspeaker! In the most surprising and least expected way imaginable, my ‘friend’ and I met after almost 2 years.

We met on a cold New Jersey morning. When pillow creases were still visible on my face and travel weariness on his. And we hugged. Although groggy, I remember feeling perfectly ensconced, warm and extremely comfortable. It seemed to fit. I do not know what it was about that meeting! I don’t know if it was watching it snow for the very first time and thinking how surreal it was that he was there at that very moment! Feeling like I had come home and wondering if it was just because it was him or an entire group of crazy, homesick, enthusiastic hug-all friends. :-)) Research shows meeting around holidays can infuse a false sense of happiness and ‘possibilities’. I don't know. I just wanted New Year’s eve and New Year’s day to last for a while longer.

I could speak to him like the old times and the awkwardness I thought would exist had existed only in my mind. He sent me the most thoughtful birthday gifts later that month. He told me he had had enough of being away and was going back home for good. He told me that I should wrap up all my good memories and come back home. Because ‘friends’ would be waiting there for me. :-)

I spent the next few months convincing myself that it defintely was the holiday season that had made me go fuzzy in the head and there was no way we could be together because he would never ask and I wouldn’t admit anything!

I did come home though. But I admit it was for more personal and professional reasons. I didn’t want to believe ‘friends’ (he) was waiting. I concentrated on my professional goals and turned to him for encouragement and support. And he was there. Always. Oh except this one time when the battery on his phone discharged completely :-P

We went back to the old level of friendship-comfort and became ‘ourselves’. And I thought he had no interest in exploring ‘possibilities’ with me....

Until this Saturday in October. When he asked me if I wanted to see if we could take things to the next level. :-) And that’s where we are now. Exploring that 'possibility'.

Did I mention that I’ve also learnt to live in the moment? :-)

P.S. This is not the post that talks about how the 'hopelessness' was lifted. :-))