A piece of memory

Should be dated: 31st July 2008

A very close friend is getting married on August 11th and I just remembered one memory that clearly stands out of all the whirl-wind-ish events leading up to marriage.

I was feeling slightly unwell about 4 - 5 days before wedding, couldn’t really sleep well at night and was almost in tears the night before the wedding. I think it was seeing a host of people at home constantly talking marriage and asking me to rest and stay cool over and over again till it created anxiety...it was also a lot of emotions, technically I had been away from home but this meant I had another family to call my own..... and then there were aunts and uncles, who had travelled long distances to just be there and mom and dad and sis pouring so much into this one event so it is special and perfect and...Oh, well, I was completely overwhelmed.

And I wondered if all that craziness really mattered...and I had also been going into panic attack about losing single-hood some hazar times as well. But after the wedding, when A and I were alone for the first time, everything seemed calm. And, it seemed just right. We forget that it is about just that moment of perfect-ness :)

I don’t think I’ve said this before, even in my head: Here’s to you, A! *Clink* :)

Let the butterfly find you

I resisted from blogging about this……but considering how much time I spend thinking about how it happened and how glad I am it did, I think it deserves a post :-)

When I was growing up, I had a rule: friends and lovers don’t cross paths. If for some reason they do, then somewhere, someone is not being completely honest. And that is tantamount to betrayal. But at the same time, I held on to the theory that in order to love a person, it was necessary to like the person and know him/her. Don’t ask me how I thought this contradiction could exist!

I made a friend 4 years back. We started off as colleagues but became real good friends. I was extremely happy with the comfort zone but I *never* thought we could be anything more.

A lot happened in the span of 4 years that helped us both grow, mature as individuals and gain perspective. We were apart (and still are) geographically and in a way, that helped personal growth minus influences.

We’ve both weathered a lot of our personal storms without ever turning to each other for comfort. I guess we were just like that…..believing that one shouldn’t make anyone else his/her emotional crutch. I think it was because we didn’t want to admit how vulnerable we were……

In the past 2 years, I’ve learnt that just believing in “love” is not akin to feeling it. That “like” sometimes is more important than “love”. That “love” brings in its spate a host of insecurities. It creates a certain imbalance. It feeds on and fuels obsession. It can be beautiful when the parties concerned understand that “love” is synonymous with letting-go. With freedom and space. But if not, it is the most destructive force – more powerful than hate.

I cannot comment on what my ‘friend’ learnt but I can sense that he’s grown up too. Mellowed down. Stopped running….

Anyway, the universe has a strange way of listening to what your subconscious whispers. I couldn’t have heard it if it was announced on a loudspeaker! In the most surprising and least expected way imaginable, my ‘friend’ and I met after almost 2 years.

We met on a cold New Jersey morning. When pillow creases were still visible on my face and travel weariness on his. And we hugged. Although groggy, I remember feeling perfectly ensconced, warm and extremely comfortable. It seemed to fit. I do not know what it was about that meeting! I don’t know if it was watching it snow for the very first time and thinking how surreal it was that he was there at that very moment! Feeling like I had come home and wondering if it was just because it was him or an entire group of crazy, homesick, enthusiastic hug-all friends. :-)) Research shows meeting around holidays can infuse a false sense of happiness and ‘possibilities’. I don't know. I just wanted New Year’s eve and New Year’s day to last for a while longer.

I could speak to him like the old times and the awkwardness I thought would exist had existed only in my mind. He sent me the most thoughtful birthday gifts later that month. He told me he had had enough of being away and was going back home for good. He told me that I should wrap up all my good memories and come back home. Because ‘friends’ would be waiting there for me. :-)

I spent the next few months convincing myself that it defintely was the holiday season that had made me go fuzzy in the head and there was no way we could be together because he would never ask and I wouldn’t admit anything!

I did come home though. But I admit it was for more personal and professional reasons. I didn’t want to believe ‘friends’ (he) was waiting. I concentrated on my professional goals and turned to him for encouragement and support. And he was there. Always. Oh except this one time when the battery on his phone discharged completely :-P

We went back to the old level of friendship-comfort and became ‘ourselves’. And I thought he had no interest in exploring ‘possibilities’ with me....

Until this Saturday in October. When he asked me if I wanted to see if we could take things to the next level. :-) And that’s where we are now. Exploring that 'possibility'.

Did I mention that I’ve also learnt to live in the moment? :-)

P.S. This is not the post that talks about how the 'hopelessness' was lifted. :-))