Another insight gained....the hard way!

Gosh, I feel so dumb. Seriously. And the thing is, I know I am not. Why I cannot do well with academics is beyond me. It's not like I don't know. Or I don't understand. Then what is it? Besides, in this case it is worse cos it is afterall relative. Which essentially means I have to be better than others who have been the best all their lives. Mind you I haven't.

3 more days of drudgery of exams and term 4 will be history. 6 most trying months of my life. The last I remember I was this stressed was in 2004 and we shall not go there. And you know who subjected me to this? Me! I always do that! I did it in 2004 (entirely different context) and I did this now. Of course, I learnt tremendously the last time around and became an almost new person. I don't want to comment on what lies ahed this time around.

I hate some people I interact with. Type A, jealous, wannabe, mean and really inconsistent (behavior-wise) people. I cannot trust them. Not in a million years. And that's when it comes down to the basics. Alone and lonely. That is what I am. And I guess that is exactly what I am supposed to deal with. This is it, then.

Deal with it. Alone. It was meant to be. Don't cry. Deal with it. Go out there and find out information on your own. Like you did when you wanted to come to here. Deal with it. You are here now. You got what you wanted, in a way. Deal with it. You know what you want next. Chisel out details, give it shape. Dare to dream again and make it come true. Deal with it.

This is why I write. More often that not, I get a blinding insight.

What would I rather be doing?

Its 10:30 PM on a Sunday night. I am neck deep in assignments, my toe hurts from the violent movement with which I inflicted the door upon it and my brain refuses to work. I would rather be some place else. I would rather be doing something else. You want to know what?

1) I would rather be in Pune right now. Talking about the weekend that was, the week that lies ahead. Not talking at all. Reading a book in bed. Feeling 'A' next to me. Feeling calm. Peaceful.

2) I would rather be home at Bangalore. Talking to my parents and sister. Like it used to be. Just this and that and nothing at all. Laughing. Being careless. And carefree.

3) I would rather be in San Francisco. Watching TV - Grey's Anatomy. Drooling over McDreamy and being silly. Happy with a room mate friend. Used to a routine.

4) I would rather be at a hill station. Or any place with pleasant, cool weather. Sipping hot chocolate. Watching the fire burn merrily. Not speaking. Smiling.

Grrrrrr....I want this madness to end. I've had it. Enough is enough!!!

When you get what you want....

It has been a while hasn't it? It feels like an old life has come to an end and a new chapter has begun. I've always thought that when dreams come true and you get what you want, you feel happy. This time, I am not so sure.

I was reading my post, the one I wrote last year about being hopeless because things were just not falling into place and everything was hinged on some or the other 'if' that was so out of control. Well, the Universe was kind to me after all! I got what I wanted. I am now in a Business School a lot of people would give an arm and a leg to get into, my family is finally in one place and I have an anchor that sets me free as opposed to binding me down. Sounds perfect? On the surface it is. Except I dont know if I got confused between what I wanted and what I needed....at least one aspect of it....

I am not sure I am enjoying this whole 'B school experience' that the world raves about. It is fun, I'll agree. I am also learning a lot more than I ever did in such short spans of time. I've learnt that I can push myself beyond what I used to think was humanly possible. But the big picture - that's still a question mark! I dont know what it is that I want to do for the rest of my life! And while I enjoy the hands on experience stuff that the curriculum exposes me to, the focus on academics and grades is killing the fun part of learning altogether! I've never really been a books sort of a person. And a business school, in my opinion should have at least 50% focus on something 'real'. I dont know if I am expecting too much but that's not to be found here.

Maybe I need to look at things differently. And stop complaining and work my butt off for a year. Maybe this is the chance that life has given me to vent out my regrets about never having given acads the kind of committment I knew was possible to give but was too lazy to give.

Heck! I dont know.

I could go on forever and probably will in the next one year to come, but for now, I need to get back to books.

Here's to making the best out of dreams that do come true :-)