Losing a part of me...

If I were still pregnant, I would've been very close to my delivery date. 7th June was in fact one of the due dates forecast by the Doctor...as was 11th and 14th June.
Some days I just cannot move on. I am literally stuck. I can feel it. I can feel a constant dagger in my heart, digging deeper every moment. It hurts just too much and I dont know what to do. I dont know how to move on, how to look up. I feel like with each step I take forward, I take at least 2 backward. It's like quicksand....or maybe a black hole in the ground. And it pulls me. And I know I can hold my ground but it is so much easier to just fall and let go.

The correlation between PMS and clarity of thought

As I write this, I am in throes of PMS. In my books what that means is that I am very touchy, I remember all the injustice meted out to me and view the world in absolute black or white. In other words, I am not objective.

I am very concerned about my job. Because I’m still grappling with what it is. I am wondering how it fits in with the company’s objective and more clearly with how what I do will reflect in business growth and development. It’s only fair that I have these worries – it has been 2 months since I joined and it was an unstructured role to begin with.

Logically, I know I need to sit tight, learn all I can and then wait for something to hit me and that 1 opportunity will be my ship to Neverland. Understood? Hell, yeah!

Do PMS and logic go hand in hand? No they don’t. What goes hand in hand with PMS is stress – usually even when there is nothing to stress about. In my case, there’s plenty at the moment. And so when I talk to A about it, I am expecting empathy not a lecture on how if I don’t find my job as being self-actualizing, I should think about quitting. And I am so pissed off that he didn’t think there was anything wrong in what he was saying! I mean, it’s one thing to have a job and hate it and be stressed because of it and another to have a job, not be sure what it entails and have that uncertainty bog you down. Why can’t he see that there is a clear difference!? And how come, when he is feeling fine and healthy and is in a good mood, I should be sitting outside after dinner acting normal. And when he is grouchy, I have to turn off the lights, stop talking and go to sleep??

And now is obviously not the best time to voice my feelings or articulate my thoughts because his parents are here and will be here till Monday. More importantly, he is leaving for Ghana on Sunday. So obviously I should send him off all lovey-dovey, happy-happy.

For the first time, I see this Ghana trip and my simultaneous trip away from home as something positive and instead of feeling upset, I should welcome this break. I am glad I can stop thinking of home and focus exclusively on work. And I am really looking forward for M’s trip, I really hope I get loads of alone time with her because God knows I need some sister-time!

There.

This is why I like writing. I feel better already :)

Sigh

My posts are so...insipid. I don't know why my writing is so serious....morbid even sometimes....when in reality I keep goofing off all the time! It's my alter-ego I know but puhleaze, I should at least be able to smile on reading a past post!!

Ho hum.

Only Words...

Warning. Danger. Crumble. Pain.
Hollow. Illusion. World. Insane.

Noise. Drown. Fear. Deep.
Greed. Guilt. People. Weep.

Scream. Shout. Loud. Silence.
Need. Want. Muted. Defiance.

Red. Rage. Boil. Burn.
Apathy. Cool. Feeling. Spurn.

Patience. Tolerance. Peace. Grace.
Lost. Touch. Cruel. Race.

Sympathy. Care. Love. Grow.
Old. Tired. Past. Stow.

Run. Fast. Open. Space.
Free. Happy. Thoughtless. Pace.

Fresh. Start. Erase. Defeat.
Begin. Hope. Renew. Repeat?

© September 2008

Phew!

I am finally done posting all that I wanted to for the past 2 months. Now on, more frequent, current posts. :)

"Marriage makes you face who you really are"

Should be dated: 12th August 2008

I heard this line in some sitcom called Falcon Beach which I hadn’t seen before and am sure will not see later either. But this line has stuck with me. I have issues with facing a side of me that is more human and therefore more prone to error than the other. It is very pronounced now that I know I have a husband who will, sooner or later, see through me.

For every single thing I am not proud of, I think I should be like someone else. What I fail to see is that it’s ok to be who I am. No, I don’t need to be my mum because super-accomplished as she may be, she’s not perfect. And she’s made loads of mistakes in her life, misjudged people and situations, made her compromises and sacrifices and well…those were her choices.

And no, I don’t need to be like A because we are just 2 different individuals with different value systems and grew up in very different milieu. More importantly, as grown-ups, we have built into ourselves some distinct ideas about life, love, work, friendship, fun and troubles. And we have our unique ways of dealing with things. So that’s that. There is no need to look for convergence of thoughts or feelings or ideas because it need not exist. And if ideas would always converge, life would be mundane.

I have been suffering with some anxiety that doesn’t seem to let go. And I know what it is. At least I think I know what it is. It is someone discovering that I am not as nice/sweet/accomplished as I seem to be. That I am jealous, that I am vain, that I am egoistic, that I do not always spontaneously wish well for others, that I am insecure, that I crave for attention and get mad when I don’t get it from people that matter, that I need a constant supply of love to reassure me of my worth and goodness. Phew, that’s a long list.

But on a second read (since I re-read almost everything I type). It does not make me seem that bad. It only makes me seem more human some how.

Grrr now only if this anxiety would leave me!

A piece of memory

Should be dated: 31st July 2008

A very close friend is getting married on August 11th and I just remembered one memory that clearly stands out of all the whirl-wind-ish events leading up to marriage.

I was feeling slightly unwell about 4 - 5 days before wedding, couldn’t really sleep well at night and was almost in tears the night before the wedding. I think it was seeing a host of people at home constantly talking marriage and asking me to rest and stay cool over and over again till it created anxiety...it was also a lot of emotions, technically I had been away from home but this meant I had another family to call my own..... and then there were aunts and uncles, who had travelled long distances to just be there and mom and dad and sis pouring so much into this one event so it is special and perfect and...Oh, well, I was completely overwhelmed.

And I wondered if all that craziness really mattered...and I had also been going into panic attack about losing single-hood some hazar times as well. But after the wedding, when A and I were alone for the first time, everything seemed calm. And, it seemed just right. We forget that it is about just that moment of perfect-ness :)

I don’t think I’ve said this before, even in my head: Here’s to you, A! *Clink* :)

STOP!

Should be dated: 17th July 2008

I’ve had it. I crib so much these days that I drown in my own grief! And what for? Because I am away from civilization? Because I cannot shop or watch a movie when I will and please? Are they valid reasons for being upset? Can I not block such silly thoughts or accept that these issues will remain and move on? Why do I have to let depression reign supreme? Why should I bug my husband and my parents day in and day out? They are dealing with their set of problems are they not? Do I hear them whine about anything? They are all positive. So is it really so hard to look deep inside and find reasons to be happy?

Yes, they have the advantage of familiar landscapes and people or at least the comfort of an own home. But they are also waging daily battles. Setting goals and falling short, moving to a totally new place of work and settling in and without work at that. They also know that they have hard days ahead. They will also deal with separation with loved ones and bouts of loneliness. Point is, they are not cribbing and being a baby about it. And no, my ‘pain’ is definitely not greater than any of theirs so I cannot make it out to be that. I just need something to worry and crib about. And that’s the honest truth. So I should find a positive project, no! Something to do rather than analyze to bits!

Self-gyaan:
Quit moping, dude, before you start losing your ability to be productive and reasonable. You came quite close to it today.

Life is meant to be lived. And loved. Even in moments that you want to want to scream and rant and cry. That’s what being a professional and more importantly being grown-up is all about. You set your eyes on something and don’t let anything else get in between.

For the place you are in now, you know that it’s in your hands. If you can work so hard that they see results, they will let you out of here sooner than later. But if they don’t, have the dignity to hold yourself together and bear it out. 15 days means the 1st of Aug. You have to deal with that possibility and like I said, with dignity.

You will not shame me by crying and whining anymore. You will remedy your loneliness yourself. You will find books to read, games to play and movies to watch. You will be strong and quiet, resilient and brave, courageous and firm. You will make me proud of you.

What am I missing out on? Really.

Should be dated: 17th July 2008

Just got an email that all employees get a 50% off on Espirit merchandize. I am nowhere close to an Espirit Store. While the mild irritation has surfaced, it has once again brought to the forefront my constant turmoil, ‘dwand’ as they would say in Hindi. Is now the best time to work really hard and build my career in the corporate world? Or is now the time to book tickets and watch movies together? When I say it like that, I tend to trivialize it. Truth is…..it isn’t trivial at all. I always tell myself that it’s the quality of time spent that matters and not the quantity. Fact of the matter is that quantity is important too. I have always felt that A is family. Meeting him for the first time felt like I had come home. That’s not the point. He IS family now but I see him as often as I would see a boyfriend! And I am not sure I wanted that when I wanted marriage. I wanted togetherness. I still do. Strange as it may sound, I want the togetherness that makes living realistic, that leads to silly arguments, fights even and tears. But the togetherness that manages to survive all that and comes out stronger. I am 27 years old. I have achieved most things I set out to achieve when I was 25. And yet, when I look forward, I worry that my best years will have been spent trying to coordinate togetherness! And yet, a very deeply instilled sense of cynicism and distrust tells me that I should lay my bets on tangible things that can be aimed at, fought for, worked hard for, and listed as achievements. Because people, even the ones we love dearly, especially the ones we love dearly, often disappoint us the most. I could decide to go with the latter – focus on togetherness and time spent together and mind you, I will do it joyously without a sense of sacrifice, but maybe, just maybe, even then, at the hour of reckoning that may fall short.

I know life is all about choices. I know that one way or the other, I will have regrets. Which regret will I choose to live with is the question that bothers me all the time.

Where is the glass ceiling exactly?

Should be dated: 16th July 2008

So I have been working for the past 1 month in a business that has very few women – none at the managerial level. In all fairness, this is an industry type of a business, unglamorous, old-world and well, heavy. It smells, you have to be out in the Sun, travel like crazy, sweat and sit in dull looking offices. So yes, it isn’t a place a woman would look to naturally. All this is an explanation of why women wouldn’t be here. What I really want to write about is an account of my experience here as a woman who is, in fact, here. Even if for just 1 more month.

-- Cute don’t sell: It may seem like you can get a lot of work done by acting cutesy with men who haven’t seen a woman in their line of work in a long time, and sure enough you can! But you will never earn their respect. If you, on the other hand, make no allowances for yourself being young, inexperienced or/and a woman, and work hard – at least try sincerely to learn, you will earn genuine respect. And believe me, at the end of the day, that respect is what counts. I’m happy I earned it fair and square. :)

-- Tired don’t sell either: So you are too delicate to be there huh? You’ve got to learn how to hide that. These are men who understand that it isn’t easy for you to be where you are and do what you are doing but please, give them some credit. They are human too! Don’t give up at the first sight of a chair! So I stood – in the Sun, on the shop-floor, in the conference room – everywhere! Yes, I had to prove a point.

-- It isn’t easy to break into their inner circle: And especially so in a social setting. I had the privilege of attending a Senior Management party where the only women were wives of the Managers. And the men had formed small groups which I couldn’t get into unless I elbowed my way in! So I spoke o my boss, took my drink and stood gauging the situation till he took me over to the wives. Sure enough I got to talking and socializing and blah but one, I didn’t have anything to say to them and two, I had a distinct feeling that I was missing out on all the business discussions and hobnobbing with the Boss. I still need to find or develop a comfortable way of doing this.

-- You need to talk football, tennis or some other sport: I am uncomfortable with rules in sports. And this is something I feel very terrible about – inadequate sometimes. I just don’t seem to have to the knack for it! But it is a conversation starter and a great way to mingle with men! So I’ve decided to take 2 sports that I like even without knowing rules – football and tennis and learn their rules and follow their games.

-- Common room etiquettes: So we have this room that tea and accompaniments have to be consumed in. We all go in. And I have no particular place to rest my gaze on. And I can feel everyone looking at me and expecting me to talk or ask something. And it could be all my imagination but I tell you it is awkward! So I did what most mature individuals would do, I sipped my tea real fast and I bolted from there :) Again, something I need to get comfortable with.

-- You will never be your boss’s blue-eyed boy: Naturally. So you just hope that the work you do speaks for itself and the other people you work with speak appreciatively of you and that’s that. No, you cannot expect him to discuss his investments with you or his daughter and how he’s concerned about whom she’s seeing but that’s ok. As long as he knows he can count on you on the work-front and that you care but don’t intrude. And no, you cannot take your concerns about relationship and marriage to him and ask for advice! Hell, no! As long as you involve your better half (in spirit) in your discussions with the Boss, I think you are good. At least that is what I think now. If I’m wrong, I really have to think of another way to break into the Blue-eyed Boy club!

Some of you "stronger" women may disagree with some or all of what I’ve said. But whether you experience it exactly like I do or not, you will realize or have realized in small little moments that things would have been slightly different if your had more women in the league or if you were a man.

Here’s to fitting in with the boys! *Clink* :)

Empty Nothings

Should be dated: July 9th 2008

Empty. And disconcerted. But not desolate anymore. That’s how I feel. Why I feel this way, I do not know.

I have work. I am learning. I am working. I feel I could do more and do better. But I don’t know how or what…

I miss home. But the feeling of desolation and absolute isolation is slowly fading away. What it is being replaced by is something I find hard to describe. It is a void. Nothingness. And it’s filling up the space. The whole space. Slowly but steadily.

I’m more in touch with friends than before. Friends from business school that is. And I’m happy that that’s happening. But after a seemingly wonderful conversation is over, I’m left with the void again.

I wonder if I constantly need something to talk about. Something to look forward to. Something to show-off. Something to be proud of. Do I constantly want to be better at more and more things? Even things that I don’t like, don’t enjoy, have trouble following and loathe doing?

What happened to things I like doing? Have I ever thought consciously I like doing?

Sure, people form the bane and boon of my existence. But ‘people’ I know, are not here. So, what about my existence? If it has to still be meaningful to me, it has to have moments spent doing something I like. And something I don’t feel a pressing need to talk to anyone else about. That would be mine. My thing to do, mine to hold close to my heart and mine to revel in. No craving for spotlight from the outside world, no wishing people could see and acknowledge ‘how great I am’ at the shallowest level and ‘what a difference I make’ at a less shallower level.

On a different tangent, why I can’t I just be? Why do I feel a need to do anything? Why I can’t I revel in just the joy of being? Why don’t I see/feel this joy of being? Why do I think so much??

Ok, so I have to stop myself from thing by actually doing. I can think of one thing. Writing. Maybe if I keep writing out feelings I will see how many of them actually warrant action and how many are just plain silly. I will also, maybe, move on to writing something creative…..and interesting. Who knows, I could one day have a collection of stories! Now, there’s a happy thought. :-)

And I wasn’t the first one to know.

Should be dated: May 23rd 2008

So why does it bother me that I wasn’t the first to know that you got that job? Was it because I sat and waited patiently for 3 hours without AC or food while you were at the interview? Or was it because I simply want to be the Sun in your life – someone who hears about your successes first just as I hear about your worries or failures? Is it because I don’t want to lose that spot of being your best friend in spite of having become your girlfriend and now, wife? Is it because if I was in your position, I would tell you about it first? I don’t know what it is exactly. Maybe, it is all of these. But it hurts me a little to think that it didn’t occur to you that I would want to be the first one to know.

Ah well, what can one do, except try to brush it aside and move on. And write little notes about it when it springs up from the layers of memories.

Making a Promise

I know I wanted to take blogging seriously. I still want to. But somewhere along the way, I got lost in studying, preparing for placement season, preparing for marriage, setting up a new home and joining and settling into a brand new job. And dealing with a fresh set of insecurities.

I always feel like blogging but some laziness prevents me from actually getting to it! So I’ve decided to start afresh, with a renewed sense of commitment and a genuine ‘need’ to keep blogging.

Here we go now!

Note: Posts will bear the date they were penned.

Another insight gained....the hard way!

Gosh, I feel so dumb. Seriously. And the thing is, I know I am not. Why I cannot do well with academics is beyond me. It's not like I don't know. Or I don't understand. Then what is it? Besides, in this case it is worse cos it is afterall relative. Which essentially means I have to be better than others who have been the best all their lives. Mind you I haven't.

3 more days of drudgery of exams and term 4 will be history. 6 most trying months of my life. The last I remember I was this stressed was in 2004 and we shall not go there. And you know who subjected me to this? Me! I always do that! I did it in 2004 (entirely different context) and I did this now. Of course, I learnt tremendously the last time around and became an almost new person. I don't want to comment on what lies ahed this time around.

I hate some people I interact with. Type A, jealous, wannabe, mean and really inconsistent (behavior-wise) people. I cannot trust them. Not in a million years. And that's when it comes down to the basics. Alone and lonely. That is what I am. And I guess that is exactly what I am supposed to deal with. This is it, then.

Deal with it. Alone. It was meant to be. Don't cry. Deal with it. Go out there and find out information on your own. Like you did when you wanted to come to here. Deal with it. You are here now. You got what you wanted, in a way. Deal with it. You know what you want next. Chisel out details, give it shape. Dare to dream again and make it come true. Deal with it.

This is why I write. More often that not, I get a blinding insight.

What would I rather be doing?

Its 10:30 PM on a Sunday night. I am neck deep in assignments, my toe hurts from the violent movement with which I inflicted the door upon it and my brain refuses to work. I would rather be some place else. I would rather be doing something else. You want to know what?

1) I would rather be in Pune right now. Talking about the weekend that was, the week that lies ahead. Not talking at all. Reading a book in bed. Feeling 'A' next to me. Feeling calm. Peaceful.

2) I would rather be home at Bangalore. Talking to my parents and sister. Like it used to be. Just this and that and nothing at all. Laughing. Being careless. And carefree.

3) I would rather be in San Francisco. Watching TV - Grey's Anatomy. Drooling over McDreamy and being silly. Happy with a room mate friend. Used to a routine.

4) I would rather be at a hill station. Or any place with pleasant, cool weather. Sipping hot chocolate. Watching the fire burn merrily. Not speaking. Smiling.

Grrrrrr....I want this madness to end. I've had it. Enough is enough!!!